ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
