For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
