i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
