I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
