My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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