Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
