Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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