I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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