Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
