Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
