Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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