put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
