i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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