so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
