Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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