Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
