Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
