it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
