Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
