My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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