insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
