the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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