I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
