i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
