I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
