A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
In America we eat man semen.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My vagina is very pro this idea
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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