Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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