Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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