Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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