why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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