Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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