and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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