i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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