I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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