my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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