my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
3pm strippers are depressing
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
