dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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