dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
