Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
