I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
