My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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