where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Randomize
