when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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