Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
