I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
