i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you traded sex for a burrito?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
