i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
