So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
