I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i've created a new STD.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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