I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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