I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
