happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I enjoy the company of your penis
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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